Friday, April 30, 2010

It's so hard to be a hero

"It's what I call complicated"
It's so hard to be a hero,
so hard to be appreciated.
Why,
when I am always trying my best to be the best I can after that freaking incident last year,
this still happens?
I am constantly reflecting.
Trying to be the best I can.
To be matured, sensitive and just good enough for you guys.
But, end up,
it's just so hard to be a hero.
Try as hard as you can, but the result is still the same.
Why must you all treat me like this?
I had enough of last year.
I really had enough.
I been lying to myself all these while.
I hadn't totally got over it.
And now,
this has to happen.
Just what went freaking wrong?
What went haywire?
What?
Tell me.
I've been hiding my emotions for the longest of time.
Whenever I am frustrated, impatient or unhappy, I always put on a mask. a happy mask. Why? Because you people hate emo people. You people just don't care about me whenever I am unhappy. I feel so left out. I finally understand how those 2 felt. Because your world just didn't exist with us in there. I really feel like leaving all these troubles behind and just relax.
What happened in the beginning was an illusion. A sea of illusion. It was deceiving, and did indeed, with its aim, fool me. What's the meaning of this? Life will never go so smoothly. Life can never be a happy one. Life is just so upsetting. Life will never, even with successes, even with the ups in life, be a nice one. Such is the fate of human. I don't even think humanity exists in this world. The only good souls who really care all so damn dead, except for a few. I am always reminscing. I miss my grannies. I still haven't gotten over them okay. That's why, everyday is a living hell for me.
The feeling of being accused, the feeling of trouble and loneliness are all something nobody can understand. Because it is just so hard to express them face to face. Because there are just somethings you prefer to keep it to yourself. Because somethings are just like that.
I originally thought Dunman would mean a new life. But, how wrong was it. Life in Dunman sucks. Sucks totally. It's just so hard to be a hero. So hard to fit in. so hard to conform to expectations. So hard to be. A hero.
Life's deceiving.
Nobody really cares.
Why is it so hard to be a human?
I miss my old life.
Perhaps all these wouldn't have happened if not for last year. Perhaps I should have just kept to myself. Then you guys can go out there and be happy. Without me. Cause it's just so hard to be sensitive and be understanding. I hate you freaking incident last year. Cause you caused so much stress and torment. It's freaking affecting me like shit. And now, this has to happen.
So what's the use of life you tell me?

Posted by The other Eden at 2:13 PM

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Upset

I really am upset.
Just that I don't show it out.
Because nobody likes emo people.
But then,
is it really fair?
Fair to let emo people not be able to express their feelings?
I hate life.

Posted by The other Eden at 6:23 PM

If I could, I would

If I could, I would.
Today, I suddenly realised how some memories are so hard to delete.
Today, I felt terribly upset.
Today, my life is in shambles.
Today, I feel lonely.
Today, it feels as if I am going through life alone.
Today, I really hate life.
I miss the old days.
I miss gran.
I miss her house.
The warmth.
And everything else.
My life has been a total wreck ever since DHS came into the picture.
Why?
Is it because I am just too sensitive?
Or people just aren't matured enough?
I don't understand how people are like that.
The feeling of being left out is horrendous.
The feeling of not being able to do what you want to do is horrible.
I hate life at the moment.
Whatever I do, people don't seemed to be pleased.
I can't even be myself.
Cause people always have craps to say.
They just aren't matured enough.
Things I did,
I felt it was correct. Initially, people didn't thought so. Then, they did. Why? Why must time go by before they finally understand?
Just when can people start to be more understanding?
Just when can I truly find a good life in DHS?
Some memories, I thought I have given them all up.
But then when things like these occur again, my mind gets jerked to conscious. Then, I realised I haven't entirely given up nor forgotten. But then, some things are just like that. Suddenly, the memories are all kind of deleted. The picture of thou is no longer there. It feels as if thee does not know thou. It feels like strangers. Like remoteness. And that's when reality sinks in. When you really hate yourself for not giving up. When you should have. So. I shall occupy myself. I want to lead my own life with courage. Without being held back. So maybe I should engage in more CIP. Cause they really make me happy. And make me forget about things for a moment.
I thought my teenage life was gonna be awesome. somehow at times it seems great, but then, now it seems to be in shambles. Now it seems totally wrecked. Why is it so hard for people to understand? Why is the feeling of being left out always there? Why do I have to always do things to please others? Man, I am not living my life.

Posted by The other Eden at 6:12 PM

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

So wrong, it's right

If you think life's gonna get any better, you are so WRONG. So wrong, it's right.

The feeling of being accused,

so many times,

never mind one time,

is freaking annoying.

No one likes to be accused.

Especially when you are me.

When you have been accused of things you didn't do so many freaking times that you just get super angry when someone accused you of something you didn't do.

It's gets worse when you are feeling so stressed at the moment and you just wanna cry.

Literally.

Yet, nobody seems to be offering a listening ear.

In my close to 2 years life in Dunman,

I have seen many,

met many,

known many,

only a few remained as friends who really care.

People I used to thought cared didn't really care. Even when you try to be good, try to be helpful, they always misunderstood your intentions. So what's the use of being kind, helpful when people don't appreciate it at all? Only a few are true friends. Friends who really care about you. An example is Hui Ning. Only she bothers to listen to my problems and give advices. Only she bother to hear me out and be reasonable. Only she is matured enough to understand and empathise.

But then, people get impatient. They just don't wanna listen to you and your questions. They just find you freaking annoying and proud. They are just so immatured! Freakinng annoying. So at the end of the day, what you only have are true friends, and a lonely heart.

Because my life is lonely.

Because nobody really cares, except a few exception.

Because I am just simply a recluse, a loner.

Happy?

No.

So wrong, it's right.
P.S This is just a random ranting.

Posted by The other Eden at 10:13 PM

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Embrace life positively .. =D

I really really really feel very happyy nowadays. My heart has let go of 2 big big big burdens. Which is good okay. And I feel so relaxed. Nevermind that school life is stressful .Nevermind that LA is simply overwhelming. Nevermind that school work is simply suicidal. Well, well, I decided I would once again embrace life positively. Because when I did that earlier this year, I felt really really really happy. Real awesome eh? So I decided , you know, I want to plan my time really well and I really wanna be who I reaally am. Because life just doesn't get better than that when you really enjoy life. So, one day, one day all these projects and tests and homework will cease. Yeah, cease. Like really. Totally. ah huh. So,
BE HAPPY!
p.s TYY to KIM for inspiring me once again to write this nice nice lovely lovely postt =DD

Posted by The other Eden at 5:13 PM

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Humans are weird

Humans do change, don't they?
I never used to believe that.
I guess I was naive,
I chose to believe in justice, in fairness, in innocence of the world,
when I was young,
Slowly,
my vision of the world gradually began to change as I grew up,
and whenI finally realise the reality of the harsh world,
everything seems so scary,
so frightening,
then I realise that everyone is growing up,
our thoughts and thinkings are changing,
we aren't what we used to be,
so people now are moe tactful,
yet being tactful is scary too,
especially when you have to constantly worry about how others think about you,
when you find yourself kind of restrained, held back,
because humans are a strange bunch,
then you feel strangled by the expectations you have to live up to,
when just a few years ago,
all these weren't true,
maybe that's why humans are weird.

Posted by The other Eden at 6:13 PM

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I'm just another mockingbird

I'm just another mockingbird.
I can't live my life the way I want to live it.
I can't quit my CCA when I want to do it.
I can't choose my life.
I can't choose the way destiny has planned out my life.
I can't change my life.
I can't change the people I know.
I can't have things go by my way.
I can't always be positive.
I can't have what I want in life.
I am essentially human.
For I am just another mockingbird.

Posted by The other Eden at 2:03 PM

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My super duper teenage life =D




And I thought my life wouldn't get any better.
It was falling in pieces, my whole world was literally crumbling and collapsing on me.
But now, looking back,
I don't really give a damn about it now.
All these are just history.
Something to be forgotten and learnt.
Recently, life has been super super super super damn damn damn damn awesome. With people like Ah Clare, Jie Ying, Hui Ning, Shi Ying etc. Life is super supery awesome with the sama group =D Today's bus ride with JY made me found the old me. Hahas. I somehow miss my old life. But then, I guess life now feels super weird when you are maturing. You began to look at things from many perspectives and well, you just understand things better and learn to put yourself in others shoes. And well, you are simply growing up. And I am enjoying every moment of my life now with people like Clare , JieYing etc. Hahas. I love my teenage life. Cause it is just so awesome.



Posted by The other Eden at 7:44 PM

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I didn't set out to please anyoone

I didn't set out to please anyone.
And I certainly won't.
I chose to stick to my principles.
True courage.
Do you really practise what you preach?
Do you?
Have we, in the process of pleasing others, lost our true values?
I didn't set out to please anyone.
Not today.
Not tomorrow.
Not anyday.

Posted by The other Eden at 11:08 PM