Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Being yourself
Sometimes, I really wonder who I really am.
Sometimes, I don't quite believe who I am.
Sometimes, I long to find and be who I really am.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am living for others or myself.
Then, I decided, that I should live for myself. If not, I was just thinking, life would be so meaningless, because you can't do what you want to do. Then you would have wasted a lifetime of yours just simply being who others want you to be. Then, I decided. I actually do love myself. I actually don't want myself to be hurt. I actually have faults. I used to believe I was invincible. I was great, flawless. But, all it took was for certain incidents to make me realise that no one is perfect, including me myself. Everyone is actually not perfect. We CAN'T be one too. Thoroughtout out lifetime, we are constantly learning and trying to be a better person. We are always trying to fit in. We always want acceptance. Just like me. Those incidents make me realise that I am actually a human being. I..I am not perfect. I admit I do look down on people. Then, when incidents in life like this surface, you start to look at them with a different eye. You start to admire and respect them. You start to hate yourself for how you have looked at them in the past. You just simply, simply, wonder where the old you have gone to. Sigh. I miss the old days at GESPS even up till today. During my time there, I really felt happy. Because I could mingle with anybody and still feel so carefree. Over there, you could be who you really are and just don't have to really feel embarrased about it. What about over here at Dunman? I feel that sometimes my life is restricted over there. Over there, I feel that I am oversensitive and just not me. I get angry and moody over the slightest thing last year. I just simply was overstressed and overburdened. Over there, because of my moodiness, my unwillingness to open up, I lost a friend. Sometimes, when I look back, I do feel regretful. I would loathe myself for what I did in the past, thinking if time permits, I would like to start all over. Again. Then, I would try to convince myself that people do change and it couldn't really be entirely my fault. Perhaps. I will never get the answer. Over in Dunman, I reflect a lot. Ponder a lot. I guess as a teenager, someone who is undergoing a change in life, does tend to be moody. Over at GESPS, Kim seemed to understand me well. She often knew what was on my mind and cheered me up, like a true friend. So I always felt safe and okay to let her into my secrets over the phone. Up till now, I still keep in touch with her about my problems and joy etc. Mostly it is moody over school problems. But still, I was glad to have someone who listen and provided advice. I really wonder who I really am. I want to be myself. So I shall be myself.
Posted by The other Eden at 11:18 PM
